when alone, I do not feel power to wrestle for the blessing. I may say with the poet, "Scarce I begin my sad complaint, November 13. (Monday after the town sacrament.) I would record the loving kindness of my God to me on all the days of this solemn ordinance. On Saturday he gave me much time alone in the forenoon, with some comfort. In the afternoon he carried me to his house of prayer, and it was a time of great refreshing from his presence. The subject was a delightful one: "How Christ communicates his love to the believing soul." Though the manner and some of the expressions of the speaker were exceptionable, I was raised above it, and enjoyed sweet communion with God the Father, and God the Son. I had no remarkable joy, no rapturous ecstatic enjoyment; but a calm and serene possession of that peace which passeth understanding; a degree of a silent heaven of love, better felt than expressed. I saw God by faith, and had a distinct view of Jesus as the second person of the ever blessed Trinity, and enjoyed delightful union with him. From this source alone all my blesings, all my spiritual enjoyments flow. I have generally a peculiarly sweet consciousness of this important fact, which answers two valuable purposes; it makes Jesus unspeakably precious to me, and tends to keep me humble-to wean from self-righteousness, with its constant attendant, self-confidence. At seven in the evening heard a sermon in the chapel, on Examine yourselves whether ye be in the faith." Here also the Lord shone on his work in my soul, and my evidences were clear and satisfactory. Yet I have felt of late tempted not to write or speak of the goodness of the Lord, lest I should be in a mistake; because I do not feel as if these manifestations brought with them a proportionate degree of holiness. O Lord, if this is from Satan, give me victory over it; if from thee, make me certain of it; and let me be able to act as thou wouldst have me thou knowest I would not impose a thing of naught upon myself, neither would I deceive others. At night I endeavoured solemnly to renew my covenant with God, and then went to rest as if in the arms of divine love. me 14. The Lord heard my prayer, gave me a measure of health, and enabled me to wait upon him in the ordinance of the supper. Again he allowed me to enjoy communion with himself and with his dear Son. Not much joy, but in a measure the accomplishment of Christ's gracious promise, John xiv, 23. In myself I felt very empty, but looking to Christ by faith, he showed where all fulness dwelt, and all for me. O the unsearchable riches of Christ! 15. The last day of the feast, and I know not but the greatest. Here, also, the Lord disappointed my fears, raised me up this morning in a measure of health, and again brought me to his house. We had a most excellent sermon from, "The joy of the Lord is your strength." I not only heard with composure, but truly the Lord was with me. I felt a holy fear of sin arise in my heart, and a dread lest I should lose what I enjoyed. On coming home, my heart was warmed with deep impressions of divine love. O that they may prove permanent, and of a more transforming nature than formerly. O that I may be enabled more than ever to glorify God, and adorn his gospel. 29. Since Saturday last I have enjoyed a sensible increase of faith, love, joy, and peace. Jesus has so surrounded me with his presence as words fail me to express. I have been enabled to believe in him much more than usual, with a strong lively faith. I have had fuller enjoyment of him, and cleaved more steadily to him, morning, noon, and night. When I awake in the night he is with me; and in the morning, when I look up, I am still with him. I cannot clothe in words what I have enjoyed in Christ for some time: he is unspeakably precious! O that blessed name, it scatters my fears, it warms and enlivens my hopes. I do love my Jesus a little, and ardently long to love him more. O, to be filled with this divine principle. Lord, thou knowest I cannot be satisfied till I awake up after thy likeness. Dec. 8. The Lord has dealt bountifully with me since last date. He has lately given me to see that I possess more than I am always sensible of, and I may add, grateful for. He has also showed me that I suffer loss, at least in enjoyment, by not attending more constantly to what he has already done for me, and by dwelling too exclusively upon what I have not yet attained. When the Lord teaches, it is in a convincing manner: I felt the truth and importance of these sacred lessons. Yet, O Lord, make me more pure in heart, that I may continually see thee without one intervening cloud. I have already far more than I deserve; but when I consider the atoning blood of Jesus Christ, and see the infinite value of it, I know it is sufficient to purchase every blessing heaven can bestow. The atonement of Jesus is my only plea; and, therefore, I can set no bounds to my desires. Blessed Jesus, let thy love, like a strong cord, bind my wandering soul to thee. O let me every moment dwell in thy wounds, be held in thy heart, and lean on thy bosom. O cause me to bear thy image, and shine in thy borrowed rays; destroy sin, fill with thyself, and shine unto the perfect day. 26. My God has been unspeakably gracious to me these last two weeks. Thursday last, in the night, after a day of in disposition, God the Father and God the Son drew very nigh, and sweetly manifested their presence by faith; just when I was bemoaning my want of power to pray, being oppressed with pain. I cannot easily express what I felt, but my communion with Father and Son was deep and sweet. O for a grateful heart. This spring tide of spiritual enjoyment continued all next day, both when with others and when alone. Heaven seemed let down to earth. Yesterday, though afflicted with pain and sickness, I enjoyed almost uninterrupted communion with God, wherever I was, or however employed. O how faithful is my God. He has given many exceeding great and precious promises, and he is now beginning to accomplish them; after my long waiting, long praying, long expecting, and after my many disappointments, and trials, and conflicts. Lord, what shall I render unto thee. My God has indeed done great things for me since November last. I do not know what to say of it, only my communion with himself is, since that time, deeper and more constant; my views of Jesus more lively; my power to confess him before the world greater; and my soul in general more confirmed. I have more comfort in secret prayer, and my meditations on God and his dear Son are more delightfully sweet. Ejaculatory prayer is the constant food of my soul, and every moment my God is at my right hand. The above, as far as I know, is the state of my soul at present, and has been for weeks past; but, Lord, let the witness of thy blessed Spirit clearly ascertain to me what thou hast done for me, that I may give all the glory to thee, and take all the comfort thou intendest 1 should. 29. This day my peace has flowed as a deep, running, and silent river. I have been enabled, through mercy, continually to realize the presence of God, which brought a sweet solemnity upon my spirit; and the constant cry of my heart has been, O Lord, confirm and establish my soul. I had last night an extraordinary dream.* I place no sort of confidence in "Mrs. Carter," says the poet Cowper, in a letter to Lady Hesketh, "thinks on the subject of dreams as every body else does, that is to say, according to her own experience. She has had no extraordinary ones, and, therefore, accounts them only the ordinary operations of her fancy. Mine are of a texture that will not suffer me to ascribe them to so inadequate a cause, or to any cause but the operation of an exterior agency. I have a mind, my dear, (and to you I will venture to boast of it,) as free from superstition as any man living; neither do I give heed to dreams in general as predictive, though particular dreams I believe to be so. Some very sensible persons, and, I suppose, Mrs. Carter among them, will acknowledge that in old times God spake by dreams; but affirm, with much boldness, that he hath since ceased to do so. If you ask them why, they answer, because he has revealed his will in the Scripture, and there is no longer any need that he should instruct or admonish us by dreams. I grant that, with respect to doctrines and precepts, he hath left us in want of nothing; but has he thereby precluded himself in any of the operations of his providence? dreams, but consider them in general as the wanderings of the imagination, ungoverned by reason; yet this dream seems somewhat remarkable. During sleep, I supposed myself in a delightful garden, meditating on divine things, and asking of the Lord to confirm my soul in the blessings he had bestowed, and that he would give me an evidence by which I might conclude on the certainty of his having accomplished in me his gracious promises. On looking up to the heavens the sky appeared remarkably clear and serene. Immediately there was seen in the firmament a ball of fire about the size of the full moon: from hence was emitted a stream of liquid flame, which darted down on me with a peculiar radiance. This, I was given to understand, was the influence of the Holy Spirit, the operations of which were so powerful upon my soul that they sensibly affected my body; and I stood in amazement at the power and goodness of my God. This representation, during sleep, might no doubt be occasioned by my prayers and meditations having run much on the same subjects before I went to rest. I leave it with the Lord, and would only pray that I may feel the operations of his Spirit as powerful upon my soul when awake, as I supposed I did when asleep. 30. To-day has been much as yesterday; if any thing different, my soul is more confirmed in the belief of what the Lord hath done for me, though my sensible comfort has not been quite so great. A divine calm has overspread my soul, and a secret testimony in my heart seems to say that the Lord has in a small measure accomplished in me his promises. But this must be much stronger, and the fruit of the Spirit much more abundant, before I can be satisfied. In the evening I heard a sermon from, "Said I not unto thee, if thou wouldst believe thou shouldst see the glory of God." The text forcibly struck me, and the whole sermon proved solid and substantial food to mv soul. 31. A day in which my God made more of his good. ness to pass before me than I am able to convey a proper idea of, either by speaking or writing. It is better felt than expressed. I enjoyed a stronger sense than ever of the witness of God's Spirit. While in the church, Jesus appeared clear to the eye of faith, as the King in his beauty; and God the Father seemed to bind my heart to himself in a degree I had not formerly expeSurely not. It is perfectly a different consideration; and the same need there was of his interference in this way, there is still, and ever must be, while man continues blind and fallible, and a creature beset with dangers which he can neither foresee nor obviate. His operations, however, of this kind are, I allow, very rare.”—Haley's Life of Cowper, 2d edit., 4to, vol. i, p. 239. For an able disquisition on the interesting phenomena of dreaming, the reader is referred to Professor Stewart's Elements of the Philosophy of the Human Mind, part i, chap. v, § 5. rienced, and in a manner I cannot express. I felt dwelling in the secret place of the Most High. My mind was kept in perfect peace, and sweetly solemnized with holy awe, because so surrounded with, and so immediately in, the presence of Jehovah. O my God, what shall I say unto thee? I am lost in wonder, love, and praise! O confirm my soul! O keep me humble, and let the great deeps of redeeming love be more than ever broken up in my soul. CHAPTER XI.-1776. Diary continued. January 3. The last year ended on Sunday night; which I endeavoured to spend with God in prayer, and in recalling the blessings he had bestowed upon me in the course of it. I found abundant cause both for gratitude and humiliation. Many were the severe distresses, both of body and mind, under which he had supported me, and from which he had graciously delivered me. O how richly, how bountifully, has he dealt with my soul! I cannot express all his goodness since November last. He has been accomplishing the great and precious promises which relate to the prosperity of my soul; and he will assuredly perfect what remaineth to be done. Lord, make me more grateful and more humble. Let not the foot of spiritual pride come against me. In the beginning of this year I most solemnly and cheerfully devoted myself, with all I have, and am, or ever shall have, to the Lord. I trust this was done in his own strength, and in the name of his beloved Son and I asked many favours which I hope he will not withhold. May I more than ever find him as a wall of fire around me, and the glory in the midst; that I may be preserved from my foes. I am very weak, but O that I may be enabled to glorify him in soul, and body, and outward estate; and so enjoy him that not one intervening cloud may ever obscure my path; but light, unsullied light, always shine on me. “He that followeth me," says the Saviour, "shall not walk in darkness." 15. I have had many precious visits from above lately, but I have also had many severe inward conflicts; at times I felt as if in an agony, astonished and sore amazed. I was in hopes these severe trials were at an end, at least for a season, and that I should enjoy peace in all my borders; but it appears I must still fight on. Lord, thou seest what need I have to be more than ever clothed with the divine armour. Let me not turn back in the day of battle, but grant me |