CHAPTER XII.-1777. Diary continued. January 1. My God has made his goodness to pass before me this day also. He has sweetly drawn out the desires of my heart after himself, and given me by faith to see Him who is invisible. O what a substantial good is God to the believing soul; and when he more sensibly manifests his presence, what a heaven does it produce! Upon a review of the last year, I find infinite cause to praise my God, who, in the course of it, has done more for me than ever. He has accomplished many of his precious promises, and given me to enjoy communion with himself; and to feel a more constant sense of my union with his dear Son and in a more lively and clear manner, he permits me to see him continually as the King in his beauty, and to dwell always under the covert of his precious blood. Indeed I am not sufficiently grateful for what has been done for me within these last fourteen months; neither am I sufficiently sensible of it: and this principally because I see so much more which necessarily remains to be done, and so much before me not yet obtained. I see how much I stand in need of sinking deeper into God, of being more deeply rooted in his love, and more free from wanderings. I cannot bear the thought of resting short of any measure of grace attainable here. Yet how slowly do I move in the heavenly road! amazing, indeed, is my tardy pace. how much more so must it appear in the eye of God, and of angels ! 25. Since the 18th, it has been a time of trial, especially by sickness, which brought a degree of languor upon my spirit. It generally has this effect upon me, less or more, on which account I do not feel so resigned to bodily affliction as is, I believe, my privilege; though I believe a degree of this depression of spirit I must experience while in the body. How comfortable the prospect of being an inhabitant of that city to all eternity, where none ever say they are sick. Till then, O my God, enable me to pass the time of my sojourning here, not only in thy fear, but in as perfect resignation to all thy dispensations, whether joyous or adverse, as humanity will admit. In the course of these days past, my faith has been much the same, though my joy was not so great. I have enjoyed a sweet consciousness of my union with Jesus; my place of defence has been the munition of rocks; I have been fed with the bread of life, and the water of life, according to the gracious promises of a faithful God. I have also had such communion with the Father of spirits as to make me wonder that a holy God could dwell with one that had so little of his image. O how ardently has this made me breathe after more holiness! my heart has panted after the largest degrees of sanctification. I have enjoyed some sweet seasons in secret and social prayer, and this evening felt my faith for the blessing received in November, 1775, confirmed; also my expectation of retaining it strengthened. Daily opportunities of doing good are granted me, with strong desires, and some power to use them. Blessed be God for all his mercies! February 5. In the course of these eight days, I have felt variously. Have often had sweet views of Jesus, and at times felt him so nigh, so very clear to the eye of faith, that faith seemed lost in sight and enjoyment. I have been constrained to speak of him to others as the chiefest of ten thousand. What ineffable sweetness do I taste when the name of Jesus is mentioned! an instantaneous heaven springs up in my soul. But O, how is it, when so highly favoured, that I do not grow more like my divine Master? Surely I do not improve the glorious visit as I ought, else I should gain more conformity to him: my soul longs for more of the divine image. I feel ashamed before God and man that I am not more holy, considering the advantages I enjoy. O Lord, remove the cause, that the effect may cease; and make me, as the King's daughter, all glorious within. Every day I look to make progress in the divine life; but alas! how are my expectations disappointed for in all I do, or say, I come short; yet the Lord bears with me. But shall it be always thus? I enjoy God in secret prayer, especially in the morning; and I enjoy him in social prayer, in conversation, meditation, and reading but how can all this be, when I am so unlike him? O to be holy as God is holy; to be meek and lowly as Jesus; to sink into all the depths of humble love, and rise to all the heights of Christian confidence. I may say with the poet,→→ : My earth thou water'st from on high But make it all a pool; Spring up, O well, I ever cry, With me I know, I feel thou art, But this cannot suffice; A constant paradise." my This is truly the language of my heart. heart March 26. These last seven weeks I have been severely afflicted in body, and part of the time no less so in my soul. 0 may my God sanctify the afflictive dispensation. He has promised that I shall be brought out of it as gold seven times purified. In the beginning of this illness, the Lord was exceedingly gracious. I could not express what I enjoyed in the love of Jesus; truly God dealt bountifully with me. But afterward I was left to feel my own weakness, and to grapple with strong temptations. Satan thrust sore at me, one night, when very unwell, so that I was ready to fall and utterly sink. I cried to the Lord, and he made his word my support. The Lord has raised me up, though still weak; but I have been closely tempted and tried since, and my spiritual joy is much abated. I do not feel so near to God, nor my views so clear, neither my faith so strong I feel as if out of my element. My enemies have been permitted to make great havoc in my soul, at least to my own apprehension; but surely the Lord will rebuke the adversary, and greatly increase me for his own name's sake. I feel deeply unworthy of it. O how far back do I feel in the divine life, Lord! restore to me the joy of thy salvation. O bring my soul out of trouble, that I may praise thee; and cause this affliction to bring forth the peaceable fruits of righteousness. : May 3. In the course of this last fortnight I have felt variously. O that I could say I had improved much! This I dare not say, but think I can with some degree of truth affirm that I have hungered and thirsted after it and if my heart does not deceive me, I have sunk deeper into God; felt more fixed in him as in my centre. I have experienced more inward recollection, my soul more stayed on God. Jesus has been truly precious; my heart has indeed felt him nigh: and he has proved a source of sweet consolation to my soul. June 12. Still I have cause to praise God, who deals bountifully with me still I am, through mercy, permitted to enjoy sweet fellowship with my God and Saviour; and, in general, am kept under the influences of the Holy Spirit: O what praise is due! Yesterday, and the day before, I felt keen anguish, from a fear that I had grieved the Spirit of God. O how the thought pained me! I cannot say easily what I felt. May almighty power and goodness keep me every moment exercised as my Lord would have me! O to be preserved from every touch of blame. If this is possible while in the body, let me, 0 my God, happily prove it. I find it is only by looking to Jesus I can either increase or retain what he has bestowed. The Lord does, I think, more than ever, enable me to live by believing in him, and looking to him. My life, in a small degree, is one continued looking up to him, dwelling under the covert of his blood, and realizing the presence of my God; this spreads a heavenly serenity through my mind, and sweetly solemnizes my spirit. The more I live after this manner, the more fixedness of thought I experience, the deeper I sink into God; but, after all, how poor my progress. O for a quicker pace, a swifter, motion! Still morning devotion in secret is sweet; I enjoy comfortable access to my God, and am enabled to plead the promises, and depend upon them as ". yea and amen" in Jesus. 19. Where shall I begin to praise my God? I am astonished at his goodness when I consider and feel how unworthy I am; how unprofitable, how unfaithful, how far short in every respect. Yet he condescends still to let me see by faith his unclouded face. In comparison of former experience, he has brought me into a wealthy place; but I am much short of what I expect. He has promised greater things, and I know he is faithful, and will perform all his promises. If any thing, my communion with God is increased: O what sweetness do I taste in Jesus! how precious is he! how constant my sense of a vital union with him!-as the branch in the vine, so do I feel in him. But I long to drink deeper into his Spirit, yea, to be filled with the entire fruit of the Spirit. I think he gives me an increasing deadness to the world, together with a proportionable degree of life in the ways of God. In the midst of the divine comforts I enjoy, Satan tries many ways to tempt and distress me. On last Lord's day, though confined, my spiritual consolations were so great I was strongly tempted to believe it all a delusion, because they were not of a more transforming nature; but Jesus lifts up a standard when the enemy thus pours in. God appeared so clear to the eye of faith, it was not possible it could be a deception, and Jesus shone into my soul with transcendent brightness. Indeed I have reason to blush I am not more holy; but I must not deny the goodness of my God because of this: no, rather I must cleave closer to him. 30. Since my last date, truly God has been good: I cannot express what I enjoy in Jesus; I am, through amazing mercy, privileged to walk with him, and talk with him, as a man with his friend. I ever feel him nigh, though the blessed view is not always attended with the same degree of comfort; but in general I am made to sit in heavenly places with him, to cleave to him by a lively faith, to dwell under the covert of his blood, and to follow after him. While I now write, my heart feels him sweetly nigh, the eye of faith beholds him clear. In a small measure, I enjoy the accomplishment of that precious promise, Zech. ii, 10. O Lamb of God, was ever love like thine! I still enjoy sweet access to God in secret and social prayer; and prove it very comfortable to talk to others upon the concerns of their immortal souls. I frequently have much of the presence of my Beloved in the great congregations, in different places. How great my obligations to free grace! I do long to make suitable returns. O for more love to God, more power to live to his glory! I am not enough on the stretch for God: I do not hold forth the word of life constantly in that amiable light that I wish. I am often pressed down with indisposition of body, with weak spirits and nerves. This causes me to appear at times as if I were unhappy, which grieves me; I wish to show to all that real religion can raise human nature above everv sorrow. While in the body, I know we must feel; we shall suffer from various causes and quarters. My heart is pained from day to day, with the dishonour done my God by those that know him not; and, alas, by too many that profess a knowledge of him. These causes will perhaps more or less remain until I join the church triumphant; the only place and company that claim, and possess, an entire freedom from sin. 16. In the course of these two weeks I have been more tempted, and my spiritual enjoyments have not been so great as before; though still I feel deep cause to praise my God. In general I rest in him; yet at times I feel uneasy, perhaps partly from thesc weaknesses, that are more or less inseparably connected with humanity, and partly from temptation. I find that there is nothing so much tends to compose the mind, and to keep it religiously recollected, as a constant sense of the presence of God. If at any time, from some of the above causes, I am in danger of being unhinged, a look to God, by faith, sets all to rights. Immediately all the affectionate powers of the soul are collected, and fixed upon God, as on their proper centre, and a heavenly serenity ensues. It is more than can be expected, while in this vale of tears, to know no seasons of weakness. May I be enabled every moment to lay as passive clay in the hands of my God, and have all the good pleasure of his will take place in me. This is sufficient, but indeed my heart pants with strong desire to feel the utmost power of transforming grace. August 8. In the course of these eighteen days, I have experienced great and frequent vicissitudes of feeling; sometimes very comfortable, at others, much grieved, dejected, and tempted. Upon the whole, my spiritual enjoyments have not been so great as usual, and I have feared sinking from God. Yet he has been very gracious in enabling me to help others, in soul, body, and outward estate. He has favoured me with opportunities of strengthening the weak hands, confirming the feeble knees, softening the hard heart, and greatly encouraged the people to trust in him; both by prayer, conversation, and letters. This is all his own doing, and therefore to him be all the glory. I have been lately unusually led out to wrestle in prayer with God for more of the divine life, and to hunger and thirst after every blessing_purchased for me; but still I do not advance as I wish-still I feel painfully short of what I would be. I am amazed at my unprofitableness, unfaithfulness, and unwatchfulness. O for all the grace God is willing to give; and power to use it all for him. When, Lord, when will it be? I enjoy much sweetness in pleading the promises in secret and social prayer; but I cannot express how much my heart is pained that I do not love and serve God better, that I have not more of the divine image. I would be all on fire for God, a flame of love. I would experience unbounded confidence in him, unlimited resignation to him, |