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November 13. A long interval of a month and three days has intervened since I wrote last, in the course of which I have passed through variegated trials of soul and body; and have much cause to be humbled before God, that when in the furnace I did not glorify him as I ought. I find all past experiences are insufficient in the time of trial, unless the Lord command a blessing with them. I have had a recent proof that no "affliction for the present is joyous, but grievous;" yet there are doubtless many valuable lessons to be learned from it. I have more than ever been taught my own weakness; also, the vanity of all beneath the sun. Much comfort preceded this illness; and, in the beginning of it, Jesus often drew sweetly nigh, which gave comfort; but it was not abiding. In the course of my illness all the powers of hell seemed combined to distress me. So strong was the stream of temptation, that the Lord was a terror to me; his judgments made me afraid. I was driven from prayer: much of my usual relish for divine things forsook me. I felt almost driven to despair. The Lord only knows what I have suffered. O how quickly should I have been consumed by the fire of temptation, had not the Lord said, "Hitherto shalt thou come, and no farther." He also said that he who had showed me great and sore troubles would bring me up again from the depths of the earth, and revive, and quicken me, and comfort me on every side. The former he has done; the latter still remains to be fully accomplished. Since I grew better in body. I have been in a state of great weakness, much harassed at times with that fear which hath torment; at other times comforted with the presence of Jesus. But the sinews of my endeavours to do good have felt as if broken asunder through what I have suffered, and the ardour of my soul is damped. Yet surely the word of the Lord must stand. He will accomplish it, and perfect what concerns me. O what a great matter is it to be faithful in the time of sore trial and temptation! My fears have been increased from my views of the state of public affairs; judgments are hanging over us, and few are sensible of it. Within these two days I have begun to be more active for God, and my comfort has been greater, my spirits have been better, and my body stronger: surely I may look for good days yet. O to be more devoted to the will of God! then sufferings would not cut so deep.

22. I have been rather languid these nine days past. Still it is a time of trial in various ways. I have not regained what, to my own apprehension, I lost in my last illness. I think my loss has in some measure been owing to a sinking, in a degree, from the life of faith; not cleaving so steadfastly to Christ as I ought in the time of distress, and by judging of my state more by feelings than by faith. The Lord is increasing my desire to do good, and enabling me to embrace the opportunities offered; but still my comfort is less: I do not feel so much com

munion with God, neither such a constant power to realize his presence, neither such delight in him: still a degree of fear remains. My hopes have, as yet, been disappointed, as it respects the fruits of my last illness.

December 1. Was both profited and most severely tried today. The fear of losing a valuable parent was deeply afflicting. I fear what I felt was not fully consistent with resignation to the will of God: nature was overcome. I know that "unreproved she may drop a tear :" but I felt too keenly. I was enabled to cry unto the Lord, and he helped me. For the present he has in a measure removed my fears, and filled me with gratitude, but my will must flow more deeply with the divine will.

26. I have been oppressed these last three days, yet no trials seem to discourage me from attempting to do good to others as opportunities offer. But I lament I do not obtain greater victories over my enemies, and make greater progress in the divine life. Years pass quickly on; but alas! how little improved. This thought cuts deep upon a mind desirous of being all light, all life, all love. Yet, in a small measure, I do daily converse with God by faith and prayer, and daily see Jesus as the King in his beauty. While I now write, I feel him precious, and see him clearly. O to be more like him?

CHAPTER XIV.-1779.

Diary continued.

January 1. The Lord has brought me to see another year. If spared, may I glorify him more than ever, by being more faithful, more fruitful, and more active in his cause: this is the ardent desire of my soul. On a review of the last year, I have cause to say my God has been truly good: the consolations of his Spirit have neither been few nor small. He hath visited his unprofitable servant with many refreshing seasons, and often delivered from bodily affliction; given me many precious promises, and numberless opportunities to promote his glory, by attempting to be useful to the bodies and souls of my fellow creatures. In all I have come short. I can scarcely perceive that I have made any progress heavenward. When shall my complainings cease? O to be as holy and happy as my God waits to make me! Through the course of the year, I think I have in general found more profit in reading the Scriptures, more comfort in secret prayer, especially early in the morning; and also more power and courage to act for God in a public way. He has discovered some new methods for this which he had not before shown me. May the success of my attempts prove that they were from himself, and may he daily enlarge my

sphere of usefulness. For these last three months, I think I have enjoyed a greater degree of establishment in his ways; yet, excepting some precious visits, without much additional comfort. I have also had, during that period, much perplexity about the true state of my soul; but whether this uncertainty arises from any loss of grace, or is the result of carnal reasoning, I am at present unable to determine. Shine, Lord, upon thy work give the witness and the fruit of the Spirit in a much larger measure, that in thy light I may see light.

7. A happy day. Jesus was precious to my soul this forenoon when from home. I felt a heavenly serenity shed through my soul; enjoyed clear and distinct actings of faith upon God and Christ, with a power to realize their sacred presence. Repeated acts of self-dedication produced confidence and comfort; but I neglected some opportunities of doing good. O how unprofitable! The Lord, in great mercy and kindness, condescends to encourage me to go on in his ways: he enables me to rely on his word of promise; and I believe he will, in me, "fulfil all the good pleasure of his goodness, and the work of faith with power," 2 Thess. i, 2. This is what I want. Be it, Lord, as thou hast spoken: hasten thy work, that I may glorify thee.

21. For some days I have been the subject of severe bodily affliction, but have enjoyed much comfort in my mind. The Lord has dealt tenderly with me. In general my views of God and Christ have not only been clear, but productive of more deep and steady comfort. Within the last eight days I have been obliged to be much with others; yet, so gracious has the Lord been, that I have been permitted to enjoy delightful fellowship with the Father of my spirit, and with the adorable Redeemer of my soul. O to enjoy this, and all its blessed effects, to the utmost possible extent! Though thus comforted, temptations of various kinds, and some of them very painful, have attacked me; and still I mourn that my conformity to the divine image is so small and defective. I fear, while I remain in the body I shall not cease complaining. At present I suffer from a too great inequality of spirit. I am too easily moved. The reverse of this, at least in a degree, I believe to be my happy privilege. How far a constitution naturally weak, rendered so by various causes, may prevent all I desire, is a question I cannot easily solve; or how far these variations may exist without any mixture of sin, I am also at a loss fully to determine. May He that knoweth all things give me to know, and also to prove, the utmost efficacy of divine grace. At present, I feel weak in body, weak in mind, and unable to spend much time at once in any duty; yet I am comfortable. I am very desirous to be faithful to those around me, both by precept and practice; but am sadly defective.

February 22. Since my last date I have felt, at times, most ardent desires for more devotedness of heart and life to God. I fear self-indulgence, and am on the watch against it; yet, from constant weakness and frequent indisposition, I am, I know, in danger of it. But the Lord hath said, "No weapon formed against thee shall prosper." I also fear that worldly cares occupy too many of my thoughts, and hurt my soul. Lord, help me to cast my every care on thee. My conversation in my family is not so spiritual as it ought to be. I determine to improve in this. This night, when reflecting on past experiences, I was sensible of a growth in grace. My views of God and Christ are more clear, my peace more constant, my power to act for God greater, but I still live below my privileges. I fear I am not improving, to the utmost, my present situation. It has long been a time of great temptation. O that it may prove a purifying furnace.

25. Was often this morning and forenoon at a throne of grace, yet could not obtain that intensity of mind and heart I desired. O what is man! Without continued aid from on high he is all weakness, unfaithfulness, unprofitableness. How great the long suffering of God that bears so long with him! When visiting the sick to-day, found my views of God the Father and Son clear, and my meditations sweet; all nature seemed to wear a smile: indeed, the beauties of nature ever tend to elevate my mind, and thus carry it up to its great Author. O to be more spiritual! I found to-day, by attempting to communicate happiness to others, I secured happiness to myself. Surely our Lord's words are strictly and literally true, "It is more blessed to give than to receive." But in all I say, or do, or think, I fail. Holy Jesus, I fly to thy atoning blood for pardon, and to the blessed Spirit to sanctify me. Make me as the king's daughter, all glorious within.

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27. O how gracious was my God to-day! He gave me a delightful prospect of eternity, clear and bright views of himself and of his dear Son, and a sweet persuasion of being for ever with him. I cannot easily express what were my feelings on the occasion, but truly my meditations were very heavenly. What a soul-satisfying portion do I find my God and Saviour! How infinitely superior to all the world has to offer! I rejoiced in my heavenly inheritance. This was late at night, and I regretted that sleep should interrupt my enjoyment. But a little while, and I shall get rid of mortality. No night shall then intervene ; there shall be one eternal day to sing the praises of my God and King; and I shall do this without weariness and without fainting. What is man, O Lord, that thou shouldst thus provide for him? Amazing love! "God only knows the love of God." It is far above our feeble comprehension,

29. Was enabled to rise earlier this morning than

usual, and in various ways my trust was in God. In the forenoon went to church, and heard with sweet composure; was preserved from wanderings, and enabled to realize the presence of my God and Saviour, and to attend to his word more closely than usual. On coming home was in a comfortable frame, and was desirous to return thanks to the Lord for his goodness. As I was entering my closet, the following words came powerfully to my mind: "The Lord is good; a strong hold in the day of trouble, and he knoweth them that trust in him." This made me fear trouble was at hand, especially when I considered what I enjoyed last night; and, as usual, it damped my comfort. I prayed to the Lord, that if this was from an enemy he would remove it; but, if from himself, he would enable me to profit by this kind and seasonable warning. Lord, fit me for whatever thou hast prepared for me, and be thou glorified in me. I would give myself to thee, all I have and am.

March 9. My fears, expressed on the 29th of last month, were well founded. Since then I have been severely and unexpectedly tried; but my God has been good, supported me, and brought me through. From weakness of spirit and nerves the animal frame was more agitated than was needful; but I hope this may be without sin. My severe distresses in early life, with a firm belief of the Christian religion, which quickly fol lowed, and a comfortable persuasion of my interest in the glad tidings of the gospel, produced a serenity and solemnity of mind, with a sobriety of manners, which have more or less abode with me ever since; but lately, from weakness of body, I am sooner agitated than formerly. This, at times, grieves me, especially as those who may perceive it may suppose that it flows from a different cause. Do thou, O Lord, strengthen me with strength, both in the inward and outward man, that I may not only appear, but really be, always calm and religiously collected. Teach me, heavenly Father, ever to maintain the dignity, the purity, the sanctity, of the Christian character: aided by thy blessed Spirit may I daily add to my "faith, courage; and to courage, knowledge; and to knowledge, temperance; and to temperance, patience; and to patience, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, charity," 2 Pet. i, 5-7. The Lord has enabled me lately to see more fully the vanity of the world, and the emptiness of the creature; and though nature is pained by the discovery, grace enables me to bless the Lord for the useful lesson. It increases my desire to know more of God, and to derive all my happiness from him, who is a fountain ever flowing, and ever full.

It has also been much impressed upon my heart lately, to be grateful to the Lord for his merciful interposition in behalf of this nation, in not permitting the popish bill to pass, as it relates to Scotland. May his unmerited goodness produce a proper

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