fully where perhaps I am weakest so that, though happy in God, I have almost trembled for fear of their consequences. My only security is in looking to Jesus; but here I obtain relief. 22. This has also been a precious day. My fellowship has been with the Father and Son from morning to night. I have felt wrapped up in Jesus, and found him such a source of calm repose as I cannot express. How trifling and insignificant does all created good appear when I am thus highly favoured of God. He in mercy keeps me sensible of my weakness, while he lets me know where lies my strength, and makes me aware of spiritual pride: my soul trembles at the thought of that dreadful evil. I fly to the feet of Jesus, and there I am safe. CHAPTER XIX.-1784. Diary and correspondence continued. January 1. Upon a retrospect of the past year, I find my obligations to God are exceedingly great. Many, very many, have been the times of refreshing I have had from him. How many my temporal and spiritual deliverances! and O, how numerous the answers of prayer with which I have been favoured. My communion with heaven has been sensibly increased: and, times without number, he has made me sensible of the accomplishment of a promise, powerfully impressed on my mind several years ago, that, when I was converted, I should strengthen the brethren. In some temporal affairs he has most wonderfully manifested his goodness in my behalf; and, on many difficult occasions, strengthened and enabled me to confess him before others. Language fails to express what he has done for me; indeed it beggars all expression. I will extol thee, O God, and praise thy name for ever and ever : while 1 have a being I will praise thee. Through the whole of last year I have been kept panting after extensive usefulness, and thankful when any opportunity for doing good was granted me. The Lord has also been very good to me in restraining the power of the enemy: spiritual temptations have neither been so strong nor so numerous as I have found them in former times. This I esteem a great mercy for of all sufferings and trials they are the keenest. 11. (Sunday.) A day much to be remembered. Through difficulties went to Mr. Jones' chapel, where the sacrament was to be dispensed. From the moment I sat down the Lord began to bless me, and many things in the sermon were comfortable; but on sitting down at the table my communion with the Father and Son was sensibly deepened: I had certainly a foretaste the heavenly glory. How sweet and near was my fellowship with the Father: God seemed to surround me with his presence. I was permitted to put up many petitions for myself and others, and for the church. I hope they will be answered. Language fails when I would express my gratitude to the Lord. Ō that my life may express it. February 6. Since my last date I have been comforted, and also severely tried: I have felt the rod of God, whereby nature suffered keenly; but I have also proved the staff of God supporting me. He in great mercy prepared me for suffering by an increase of fellowship with himself. How tenderly does he deal with me! In the time of a most unexpected trial my Jesus drew near, as if he had said, "Though friends die, I live for ever." Blessed Lord, that is enough. Yet nature feels, animal spirits are weakened, and spiritual temptations have been strong; but in all my God is good. 20. I find my mind for some time past enlarged by the habitual consideration of eternity. These thoughts tend much to rectify the judgment; and when that is fully instructed the passions are easily adjusted. How contracted are our views while confined within the limits of time. Here there are no objects in any degree adequate to the vast powers and infinite desires of an immortal soul; but when we contemplate eternity what a boundless prospect presents itself! What a full scope may we there give to our most extensive views and wishes. There all our holy affections may roam at large, and find abundance of objects perfectly suited in kind and duration to their nature. O my God, in these glorious regions of bliss and peace which the gospel brings to light, may I for ever enjoy thee. On March 4. I have felt very variously in the course of these last thirteen days. At times painfully exercised in my mind, through the prevalence of spiritual temptations, and the remains of unbelief; these produced keen distress, though, through the goodness of God, it was not permitted to continue long. Saturday last Jesus drew nigh, rebuked the adversary, disappointed my fears, comforted my soul, and gave me a sweet conviction that God was the hearer of prayer, answering the petitions I offered up to him. But soon after the clouds again gathered, and I was distressed. The enemy renewed his attacks, and, not perceiving the stratagem, I felt painfully fearful that it was myself which obstructed the accomplishment of the promises; both those which relate to the prosperity of my own soul, and those which refer to extensive usefulness. This caused poignant sorrow, better felt than expressed. The more so now my whole soul is built upon glorifying God, by enjoying him continually in my own soul, and by being active in his cause. But last night I felt a sweet impression on my mind, and from its effects I trust it was from the Lord, that the delay which causes me at times so much distress was not of myself, but of the Lord; that matters were not yet ripe for the full accomplishment; but that the Lord would in his own time bring to pass in me, and by me, what he has promised. This impression wonderfully calmed my mind, removed my painful fears, and led me to trust in the Lord. That impatience, which bordered upon the haste of unbelief, fled away; I was led to see that I was called to wait patiently, and calmly to hope that what the Lord had said he would do. May 12. For the last three weeks I have experienced the most intense thirst after an increase of the life of God in my soul, and an enlarged sphere of usefulness. I felt spurred on by strong desire, stimulated by the promises of God, and strengthened to plead by the spirit of prayer. Yet as no opening in providence appeared for the latter, and little or no answer in return to the former, my faith was tried to the uttermost. My heart felt ready to break, for the longing it had after God. It seemed as if I could not live, except my prayers were heard and answered with respect to these two particulars. At length my God, who is rich in mercy, proved it, by condescending to send me an answer last Sabbath from his holy habitation. In the morning I went to church, where the ordinance of the supper was to be administered. The words spoken from were, "Mine eyes have seen thy salvation." The text struck me, and I was led to expect something good, yet found nothing remarkable from the sermon. The enemy was now very busy, and my mind felt uncommonly prone to wander from the point in hand: but if the Most High is determined to arise and work, who can hinder? At his holy table, to which I went much agitated, all my wanderings ceased, and God spake with power to my soul. He condescended to unfold to me the seeming mystery of his late dispensations toward me, both in providence and grace. He told me it was to try my faith, and to prove whether I would continue to follow him through every discouragement, and continue believing his promises, although the aspect of providence contradicted them. He then assured me my faith should prove triumphant, even as the faith of the woman of Canaan, who continued to plead for her daughter in spite of every discouragement. These gracious words brought amazing strength into my soul; I felt determined, with a divine fortitude, to cleave unto the Lord in spite of every opposition; to hope against hope, and patiently to wait upon him till he saw meet to accomplish the promises. This heavenly frame continued through the day, and in the evening, while in the house of prayer, my God renewed his former kindness: O for a power to retain it. How great is his goodness. Surely it is good to wait upon the Lord, and to trust in him. But, lest I should be exalted above measure, the day following I was confined with severe indisposition of body. On Tuesday morning I felt a degree of languor of spirit and confu sion of mind which grieved me. Having to meet with a Chris tian friend or two I prayed much for the presence of the Lord to be with us. He heard my cry, and gave me my petition. He made me very sensible of the approach of Deity. While I sung his praises a reverential consciousness of the divine presence rested on and animated my soul; God the Father revealed himself to me, and that near and clear view of him has continued with me ever since. How can I sufficiently praise him; I find, where the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. 28. Since the 17th the Lord has supported me under many trials, some of them most unexpected, and which pierced me to the quick. He has given me to feel much, very much, of the insipidity of worldly enjoyment, and caused some creature comforts to prove bitterness to me. Though these things wrung my heart with keen anguish, and brought tears from my eyes, yet I found I could, from my inmost soul, bless God for thus dealing with me, because salutary purposes were answered by the painful dispensations. I thus get farther from the creature, and nearer to God; convinced he only can make me truly happy. Persons, things, and places are in themselves empty cisterns, which hold no waters of consolation, but as the Lord pours into them. And if I do not rise and keep above them all, they will pierce me through with many sorrows. My God does all things well. O to be faithful to him! Though thus tried, I have not been left comfortless: the Lord has been good. He still gives me power to hold fast what he has spoken, in spite of Satan and every foe. O that he would come quickly, and do as he has said. June 27. In the course of these seventeen days I have not experienced any very material change. I have had, at various seasons, an increase of the more immediate presence of God, and Jesus has sweetly attracted my heart and affections by appearing in his native beauty, shining with the milder beams of his mediatorial glory. In him resides the fulness of the Godhead bodily! Deity in its plenitude of power! Comfortable, animating thought! And Jesus is mine. Amazing mercy! On Sunday week I had an opportunity to sit down at the Lord's table, where I felt my inmost soul pierced with a sense of his goodness. For some days after I was kept praying without ceasing, and was in hopes the time to favour me was come; but to this succeeded two bitter days of outward and inward trials. On Sunday last, through many difficulties, but with strong desire and great expectation, I entered the house of God. In the former part of the day I was disappointed in the latter, He whom my soul loveth drew nigh, and I was comforted. Yesterday my soul felt as if drawn from its centre; my keen relish for divine things was much lessened, and my comfort greatly abated; yet I was much strengthened to attempt the spiritual benefit of others, by : writing, speaking, and giving away books on divinity. These opportunities of doing good were most unexpected; but, while thus engaged, the adversary was most assiduous in his attempts to distress; painful temptation for some time prevailed, but by prayer and faith he was conquered. October 22. In the course of these seven weeks I have too much given way to temptation, by not writing. Satan has recourse to many stratagems to prevent it. He knows it is profitable, and therefore opposes it. I have much cause to bless the Lord for many mercies, spiritual and temporal. Since my last date. I have had sweet seasons, many answers to prayers, and power to attempt doing good, in a way not tried, except twice, since I came here: I mean, having the gospel preached at this place once every week. O that the Lord may smile upon my feeble attempt to glorify him, and give success. My God has been graciously present at my little meeting on Thursday for prayer, praise, and Christian conference; and in secret and social prayer, has shown much kindness, and given unexpected opportunities of acting for him at home and abroad, and enabled me to exert more power in this way than ever. The issue I leave to him. Upon the whole he has kept my soul in a good measure alive to him; panting after the accomplishment of the promises; and daily looking for his coming, to do in me and by me as he has promised. He increases my desire and power to use my substance in the support of his servants and cause: makes me sensible of my danger as to several evils I might fall into; which causes me to ery to him against them. Secret prayer is more and more profitable and comfortable, and a solemn sense of eternity still rests upon my mind; with a strong desire to improve time for myself and others. At times the Lord gives me to feel my weakness; and how quickly I should be swallowed up by my enemies if he did not interpose. This night the Lord disappointed my fears; when I looked to him he was at hand to help me. December 8. Since my last date I have had keen inward sufferings; what are termed the buffetings of Satan. Horror, at times, has taken hold of me. I felt much, but feared more. I feared that I had grieved the Spirit of God, and therefore cried mightily to him that, if this were from an enemy, he would rebuke the adversary, and give freedom from these painful feelings; but, if from himself, they might continue till every end was answered that was intended by sovereign love. On Sunday last I longed to go to church, expecting relief; and in the afternoon his servant was a son of consolation. My soul was strengthened and comforted by what I heard. But in the evening, at the chapel, my distress returned. I felt stripped of all: I wished to be searched to the bottom, and appealed to the Lord that I longed to be all he would have me. Jesus drew sweetly nigh, |