CHAPTER III.-1767. Advantages of autobiography-Lady Maxwell's diary. AFTER the preceding observations, Lady Maxwell shall be chiefly her own biographer. As none but God and herself could know the varied exercises of her mind and heart, so no pen but her own could have ever described them. Others might tell of what she said, and of what she did; but she will relate what she thought and what she felt--what were the causes of her sorrows, and from whence arose her joys: she will unfold the motives which gave life and energy to her actions, and describe the might by which she was enabled to perform them: she will tell of her hopes and fears, her inward conflicts and spiritual conquests; and give many an important lesson to those who are seeking for "glory, immortality, and eternal life." April 25. All the last week the Lord has been exceedingly gracious to me, giving me peace in believing, and at times joy. O the delightful moments I have experienced! I have found Jesus a most satisfying portion; but have been humbled before God, from a deep conviction of my want of conformity to him. I am ready to think none ever experienced so much of his goodness, who did not feel more of the transforming influence of grace. I am earnestly desirious to have my heart adorned with every fruit of the Holy Spirit, and my life with every virtue of the Christian character, that God may be glorified in me. I now see, in a different manner than what I formerly did, that all the mercies I enjoy, from a cup of cold water to the salvation of my soul, have been purchased by the Redeemer. This endears him to me. He is my all in all. July 14. The Lord is still merciful, and though often provoked, has not yet forsaken me. I still, through mercy, hold fast my confidence, though not at all times alike strong. I have generally a persuasion that I shall overcome. The Lord has given me precious promises on which he has caused me to hope; and I daily look for their accomplishment. With the apostle I am enabled in some measure to forget, "those things which are behind, and reach forth to those things which are before :" and at times am so animated with the hopes of complete victory that nothing seems to intimidate but there are also seasons when, through the power of corruption, the strength of temptation, and a sense of a thousand evils which still cleave to me, I am weighed down, and am ready to sink. But He who is rich in mercy knows what I am able to bear, and proportions my sufferings to my strength. At present I perceive no object worthy my pursuit, but the will of God; that is indeed precious. I earnestly desire to know it, and to walk in it; but for want of power, and at times of inclination, I suffer keen anguish. Lord God, perfect what thou hast begun. September 16. My soul is restlessly pursuing God, with a deep sense of the emptiness of all created good: without much sensible enjoyment, but with great desire and expectation: and, through mercy, my anchor is fixed, and Jesus in some small measure is my "wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption." Sunday 19. To-day the Lord humbled me by a sight and sense of my natural wretchedness; I was almost a terror to myself. At night my distress increased, and my soul was in an agony. I seemed stripped of all. I had no doubt of my adoption, yet the conflict was great; Satan raged mightily, but the Lord sustained me. When I thought of yielding, a secret voice seemed to encourage me to fight manfully. I was convinced that the Lord would not suffer me to be tried above what I was able to bear, and I happily found it so. Jesus drew nigh and strengthened me, but rather with sustaining than with comforting grace. He rebuked Satan, and in some measure I hope I came off victorious; yet in every situation I see danger. When most alive to God, I am most sensible of the hinderances I meet with from others, and am prone to grow fretful and impatient :again, when I obtain victory over my enemies, then I feel a tendency to spiritual pride, which terrifies me. But must I slacken my pursuit of divine things because of this? No, I endeavour to fly to the blood of sprinkling, and cry to Jesus. October 8. For some days the Lord has been teaching me that in nothing am I to seek happiness but in himself:-to use other things, but to enjoy him. It is a difficult lesson. Without much grace and constant watchfulness, how natural is it to sink, at least in a measure, into the creature. O how much has the Lord to do in me! May I prove his utmost power to save! I am at a loss how to tell of his goodness; it is so great, nothing exceeds it but my unfaithfulness. The pains he is taking to make me meet for an inheritance among the saints in light, is astonishing. I sensibly find him giving me all the comfort 1 can bear. When low and depressed, he raises me up; and when in danger of spiritual pride, he sends something which proves a proper ballast. He truly does all things well. What cause have I to praise him for all that is past, and to trust him for all that is to come. Nov. 23. Was much hindered in prayer this morning by wandering thoughts. This is a besetting evil of mine; but in family prayer, my mind was more composed. I often feel more freedom from wanderings when praying with others than when alone. Promised myself much profit from visiting a Christian friend who is confined by sickness, especially as at first I found it a cross. When with her, I experienced such an insatiable desire after God-such an aching void within-such a keen conviction of the emptiness of all created good, as more and more convinced me, I shall never enjoy that fulness my soul demands but in God. "Come, O my God, thyself reveal, Thou only canst my spirit fill, Come, O my God, my God!" In prayer, I felt a power and sweetness which fully compensated me for taking up the cross. In the evening, I enjoyed a tranquillity of mind, a sweet repose in the blood and bosom of Jesus. I wished much to profit others and myself with pious conversation, but they seemed determined to trifle. Through grace, I did not catch their spirit, though this is not always the case. When they left me, after some time spent in ministering to the sick, I went to prayer, and felt what I am not able to express; such a sinking into God as I hope one day constantly to enjoy. All around me seemed God:-eternity was at hand. I tasted the good word of God, and felt the powers of the world to come. Dec. 26. My joy was not so great to-day as usual. It was a calm peace, my mind was stayed on God. But toward evening, being with those who were not deeply serious, a degree of trifling and lightness of spirit hurt me, and disturbed that frame I should wish always to enjoy; I mean that state of mind arising from a deep consciousness of the presence of God. My heart was taking an undue complacency in the creature, and this seldom fails to injure. When I retired, the Lord was exceedingly gracious, but this only served to give a pungency to my distress. Shall I never be able to give God my whole heart? At times, I think I do; but, being deceitful, it again insensibly departs from him. At other times, I see my danger, am on my guard, and, overcome. I feel the frowns of the world not near so dangerous as its smiles. How narrow the path that God marks out for those who would truly walk with him; but, though strait, it is safe and sweet in proportion. It is only when I step out of that I feel distress. 31. Upon a review of the great goodness of God to me in the course of this year, I feel gratitude and love spring up even in my hard heart. O how unspeakably gracious has been the Father of mercies! I attempted to spend the evening and night in meditation, prayer, and thanksgiving, both in public and private, and found it comfortable and strengthening. O when shall every thought be brought into captivity? CHAPTER IV.-1769. Lady Maxwell's diary continued. Jan. 1, Sunday. I was very early and late engaged with God to-day, but could not obtain that heavenly gale I wished. The want of food and sleep had in some measure stupified my mind, but, in the morning, a sermon from "Trust ye in the Lord for ever," comforted and strengthened me; and in the afternoon another from "All are yours, and ye are Christ's, and Christ is God's," excited in my heart gratitude and love to him who had done so much for me. In the evening, while at prayer, I felt desirous of devoting myself wholly to God, and attempted to renew the dedication of all my powers to him. O, that it may be more effectual than ever, and that through grace I may be enabled this year to adorn the gospel of God my Saviour in all things! 16. My mind was dull this morning, but the Lord soon after quickened me; drew near and surrounded me with his presence; shone upon my soul, and in his light I clearly saw my own state, and spiritual objects in general. May the Lord make me faithful to the light he imparts; I have much for which to answer. He clearly marks out the narrow path in which he would have me to walk; shows me the most excellent way, but hitherto I have been exceedingly perverse. O Lord, let the time past suffice, and do thou magnify thy mercy above all thy name, in continuing to bear with me until I can all things do. My soul felt earnestly desirous this day to glorify God; to em brace every opportunity for doing good which might offer, and he graciously afforded me several, which I endeavoured to improve. The issue I leave with him. I find it hardly possible to retain the Spirit of God, to preserve, a clear sense of his pardoning love alive in my soul, without being constantly employed in what has a tendency to glorify him, and to profit my fellow creatures. We may retain a fallacious hope that we enjoy the remission of sins, but our souls will not be alive to God; at least, this accords with my experience. In proportion as I grow remiss in attempting to act for God or my neighbour, my spiritual senses flatten, my perception of invisible things becomes dim ;on the other hand, I seldom, if ever, embrace any opportunity of doing good, but it brings into my soul an additional degree of strength and comfort. But, alas! how dull have I been in learning this important lesson, and how reluctant am I often to reduce it to practice. Sometimes overcome by a false modesty; at others, a degree of langour, which overspreads my soul, and renders me inactive. Against this last evil, I find constant watchfulness necessary. Feb. 22. Since my last date (January 22) grief has obstructed my writing, and I should scarcely now resume my pen, but that I find a record of my experience highly profitable. I have felt, and do still feel much, on account of the death of a dear friend. A sword has pierced through my soul in this dispensation; and yet I have felt such an acquiescence in the will of God as I cannot easily express. I have great cause to adore his condescension for the solace I enjoy, from a conviction that my departed friend is happy,-unutterably happy. Through abound-. ing mercy, for some time past I have been on the stretch for God. Eternity has appeared very near. I feel in a good measure disunited from created things:-my spirit pants for everlasting rest, and struggles into God: my confidence in his pardoning mercy grows stronger, and my love to him is on the increase, with a stronger desire than ever to go hence, and to be with Christ, which is far better. Words cannot express the ardent desire which I feel to be entirely devoted to God: to walk with him as Enoch; to cleave to him with Caleb's spirit; and I trust to see the happy day. Yet while I thus write, I am the subject of keen distress on account of my latent depravity; my unprofitableness, unfaithfulness, and ingratitude in the midst of such amazing goodness. Lord, help: Lord, forgive! March 14. For some time I have been confined with sickness. How gracious is that God I so feebly serve: he prepared me for this trial by causing his consolations to abound in my soul. In the former stages of this indisposition my peace flowed as a river, and death was not only deprived of his sting, but even seemed to wear a pleasing form. As the disease gained ground I was not so lively; distress of body seldom fails to depress my spirits. After suffering awhile, the Lord has graciously raised me up again; may it be to glorify him! To-day he has blessed me with fervent desires after a higner enjoyment of the divine presence, and has given me an animating view of the land that is afar off. O my God, hear the cries of one on whom thou hast had mercy, and prepare my heart to receive whatever Christ has purchased for me: allow me not to rest short of it :— put thou a thorn in every enjoyment, a worm in every gourd, that would either prevent my being wholly thine, or in any measure retard my progress in the divine life. May 6. Found, this morning, my soul sweetly conscious of her union with Jesus, and seemed in prayer and meditation to be sinking into him. Was tried in a tender point this forenoon, but found, through grace, power to give up my own will. I looked to the Lord, and felt that if his will took place, however contrary to my own, I should be perfectly satisfied. Being in company to-day with some persons who were not serious, I was in danger of sinking into lightness of spirit; and though God heard my prayer, and enabled me in a measure to confess him, I was not so collected and deeply serious as I wished. What a |