I have enjoyed more for some months than before; but, O, how little in comparison with what I might, and hope to enjoy even here. Not that I believe absolute perfection attainable in this world; yet I hope not always to be a babe in Christ, but by degrees to attain the strength of a young man, and then the stability, vigour, and firmness, of a father. This I am warranted by the word of God to expect. "Yet, when melted in the flame Of love, this shall be all my plea: 'I, the chief of sinners am, But Jesus died for me," How just! If I But alas! how is know so little of By the economy of grace all boasting is, and must be for ever excluded. "Let him that glorieth," says Jehovah, "glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me. know myself, I would glory in nothing else. my glorying in a manner made void, because I HIM,-have made such poor returns,—and because the child remains so unlike the Parent. 20. Still my soul feels comforted and quickened; my mind more stayed on God, wanderings in secret fewer, and I enjoy nearer access. Met yesterday with a trial I did not expect. How often does that come upon us we looked not for; and how seldom, on the other hand, do we smart under apprehended evils. Lord, in this, as in all other things, "thy will be done." "No cross, no suffering I decline, “ O the superlative happiness of having God our reconciled Father, and of being in any measure moulded into his will! What a constant stream of comfort flows from this fountain. It blunts the edge of every trial, and gives the proper relish of every earthly enjoyment; things and persons we then keep in their proper place, and God is our chief good while we stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free." Indeed, if we be again entangled with the yoke of bondage," and the love of the world prevail in our hearts, the love of God will soon die away, and we shall lose our relish for divine things. How necessary is it from the moment power is given us to believe on Christ, with that faith which removes condemnation and brings peace, to have always something farther in view; to be constantly growing in grace, and going on from faith to faith. If we do not attend to this, we shall most assuredly lose ground, and again recede. 30. I have found a degree of uneasiness creeping into my mind, because some things were not going on agreeably to my wish. This ought not to be. I ought so to trust in the Lord, that my soul might be like Mount Sion, which cannot be moved. This naturally leads me to regret the littleness of my grace, and makes me examine what I have and what I want. The result of this has been, especially of late, to convince me that though I have not all I wish, nor what many other Christians enjoy, yet I have much more than I am properly thankful for, or always sensible of. I find my reasons for rejoicing evermore are so great and many that I wonder any thing but sin should ever move me. perceive it is a misfortune, if I may be allowed the expression, to be cast in too soft a mould. My nature is often deeply affected when my soul, or spiritual part, remains unmoved; and were it equally supported by the animal powers, I should enjoy much more firmness than I now do. But this, with every other weakness inseparably connected with humanity, will be done away when I get above. O glorious day-transporting thought! when I, even I, shall be admitted to behold the beatific vision, shall see my Jesus in all his splendour, shall see without a veil that God of whose goodness I have so largely partaken. Language and ideas fail! What mortal can express the happiness that real Christians shall then enjoy! I must leave it until I learn the language of immortality. But O, my heart ought to burn with love to the Father of mercies, who has invested me with a legal title to that glorious kingdom, by revealing his Son in my heart! I would that every moment my soul glowed with seraphic love with heavenly ardour! O qualify me for the enjoyment of that glorious place. May 5. Still my God is good, and has allowed me much of his presence to-day, while variously employed for the good of Yet in the afternoon I had my own soul and that of others. cause to lament my want of a greater degree of faithfulness to the Lord. He did not deprive me of the comfort I enjoyed immediately, but by degrees; soon after, reflecting upon my ingratitude, and seeing clearly what I ought to have done, I found it diminished. Surely there is no safe nor comfortable path to walk in, but that of duty. This is a matter of fact, and I find it confirmed by daily experience. People may amuse themselves, if they dare, by thinking and saying the gospel brings such a liberty with it as invests the children of God with a discretionary power to do, or to leave undone, as they choose: but of one thing I am morally certain, if they would preserve their hearts right with God, and their consciences be properly informed, they will not enjoy uninterrupted peace if they take the liberty either to omit any duty, or to do those things the Spirit of God condemns, A liberty purchased at this expense is the very worst kind of bondage. How absurd, then, to brand a conscientious discharge of duty with the odious name of legality. If we do, we must consequently quarrel with all the prohibitions, and injunctions, and exhortations, we meet with in the oracles of truth. If I know any thing of true liberty, it is to love my God and to avoid sin. This is the liberty of the gospel, and a glorious one it is. to walk in it. May the Lord enable me and all his people May 26. For the last eight days it has been a season of severe inward trial; these generally are the heaviest. To add to my sufferings, my body was afflicted; and for many hours my mind was so harassed, and so stupid, I could not fix it for two minutes on divine things. I am thankful this last complaint was not suffered long to remain. The Lord in mercy removed my pains, cleared my views, and inclined me to cry unto him: and though I had not much comfort, yet underneath I felt the everlasting arms secretly supporting me, yea, strengthening me to overcome. He is a gracious God, and will not suffer his children to be tempted above what they are able. No, he has promised to give strength to his people: the Lord will bless his people with peace." I cannot set my seal to the truth of this precious promise: but yet, to satisfy my mind fully, I want a farther degree of light with regard to his will concerning me in some things. I feel a constant fear of yielding to my own, and a dread lest I should mistake his. Surely he must have wrought me to this self-same thing, will he then suffer me greatly to err, either in principle or in practice? No-man in this case, sinful as he is, would not; far less a gracious God. 66 June 25. I have taken up too much time and thought to-day with temporal things, which has a little interrupted my close communion with the Father of mercies. O for power not only to live but to walk in the Spirit. I have now entirely given up to the Lord what has engrossed too much of my thoughts and conversation for two days past. I believe it is from himself, and therefore hope he will succeed it. How narrow is the way we are called to walk in, would we enjoy constant communion with God! Yet I believe it consistent with every lawful situation and occupation in life. Though necessarily employed in outward things, still, through grace, the heart may be at liberty continually to attend to an indwelling God. This will naturally lead us to watch in all things; but without a measure of this recollected, watchful spirit, it is impossible to walk closely with God. I have been more injured lately for want of a greater degree of this, than for some time back. With it, I experimentally know we may retain in the midst of worldly employments a constant sense of the divine presence. July 20. (Sunday.) Slept but little through the night; rose very early; spent some hours in secret with the Lord, and found access to him. But how shall I express his goodness to me through the day. It was indeed one of the days of the Son of man: the waters of the sanctuary were as a great river; I could indeed adopt the language of St. John, "Truly our fellowship is with the Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ." In several things I had the petitions I asked of him. "The joy of the Lord was my strength," for I felt no weariness, neither want of food; this not only at the Lord's table, but also through the day. 21. As soon as I awoke this morning, I enjoyed free access to God; this continued all day: wherever I went I found him; in public, in private, and in secret. Whence is this to me, that my God should deal so bountifully with an unfaithful, unfruitful creature. I feel so utterly unable to tell of all his goodness, or to express my gratitude; all I can say falls so short of what I would and ought to say, that it leads me sometimes to give over attempting it, and in silence to admire and adore that depth of love which I feel, but cannot comprehend. May I go many days in the strength of this meal. But, O my God, I do not mean so as to receive no more for some time. No, I want every moment the intercourse open between thee and my soul: that I may be constantly drawing out of thy fulness grace for grace, till thou shalt receive my happy spirit home; and even then I shall live only by the continual emanations of thy love to my soul. While in this vale of tears, O encircle me every moment in the arms of divine love-there only am I safe. 30. My spiritual joy has sensibly abated for some days; "yet I will trust in the Lord, and stay myself upon my God." Not that I am walking in darkness, only when I reflect on the deep and close communion I enjoyed with him lately, I now seem comparatively at a distance. The bare recalling of the happy time to mind has often since in a measure renewed it :"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me; and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father; and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him." This scripture promises a permanent rest and happiness: there is no interruption mentioned as unavoidable. And yet many good people, I do not know why, have received it as a proposition quite conclusive, that while in this world we must be as unstable as water. It is generally said the arguments drawn from experience are most satisfactory. Were I to admit this, and argue merely from what my experience has hitherto been, it would certainly lead to the adoption of the above opinion. But if the generality of Christians live much beneath what the word of God describes as their privileges, must I thence infer it is impossible to live up to them? I cannot think the conclusion would be just, especially as I can see no foundation for such an opinion in the oracles of truth. Therefore, I would not permit their experience to have much influence in determining my judgment, concerning the degrees of grace attainable in this life. The Lord knows I do not here speak as one who has already attained, but rather as one who is deeply conscious that as yet exceedingly little is attained. Yet I believe that, in spite of the numberless infirmities inseparably connected with flesh and blood, God is both able and willing to make me “rejoice ever more, pray without ceasing, and in every thing to give thanks." At the same time, I believe that no degree of grace can exempt us from being very sensible of a difference at one time from another, as it respects the measures of spiritual comfort and joy. August 7. (Friday.) From indisposition of body was prevented using that degree of abstinence I generally do on this day; not from any superstitious regard to Friday, more than any other day; only I find it profitable to set one day apart for more special acts of dedication. Was sensible of an increase of life and power. In the evening enjoyed much profitable conversation, and found a blessing both in social and secret prayer. Inward trials and temptations have been stronger than usual. What a burden do I still feel the remains of indwelling sin. Lord, give me all the liberty I can enjoy in this life. 8. Still I groan, being burdened. And yet what a mystery-I every moment, more or less, behold the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ: I never lose sight of a reconciled God. O what cause for thanks. What a great support must this prove under every pressure; unquestionably it is: yet here is no contradiction. I believe the clearer my views of divine objects are, and the closer my communion with God is, the more exquisite will be my sensibility of sin. What grief does it give, to feel any thing in me contrary to the God of love. How does it cut me to the heart, that I should ever grieve his patient and good Spirit. In the evening went to the chapel, and heard a sermon from "Little children, abide in him; that, when he shall appear, we may have confidence, and not be ashamed before him at his coming." Toward the end of the service, my soul felt agonizing with desire and expectation for a blessing; while singing these lines, "Give, give me all my soul requires, All, all that is in thee :" I felt as if grasping all that heaven could bestow. 14. This has been a day of sweet serenity and unutterable peace. I feel at a loss to express my enjoyments under a sermon at five in the morning. The Lord was present; the word came with power; I felt surrounded with his goodness, as Jerusalem is said to be with mountains. My soul was fed with manna and fatness. I felt more firmly persuaded than ever that the Lord would not suffer me to be tempted above what I am able. How good to wait upon God: he has been at my right hand all day, and my communion with Jesus has been near and delightful. What I lament is, that my conformity still remains so comparatively small. O that I could extirpate every foe he has in my breast. But, alas! I have no might against this great army. It is his own work, and, Lord, my eyes are unto thee for deliverance. How comfortable to know that, though |