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when I had pulled my mouth wide- hog's-flesh-no, never, never after the open, beyond even its natural capacity, affair of the pig—it was a slip of the (which is not trifling, believe me, pen-'I returned to England to sit reader,) I sat for hours, roaring out down to plain beef and mutton ; confor a dentist to punch in two or three vinced that I had come back to the of my front teeth, that I might get real, healthy, honest standard of good some sustenance introduced through a taste. In the broad interval, however, quill. Even when I perfectly reco- which I have jumped over so rapidly, vered my senses, I was long before I I had many and many a visiting of could bear to sit a moment with my direful consequence. At one time I mouth ut, from the dread of a re- fancied that I was doomed to die of turn of my imagined danger. Then starvation, and the excruciating agocame the dreaming again the crawl- nies then endured from cholics and ing tortoises; the clammy glutinous indigestions (proceeding from my even liquid ; the green fat-but enough of more than natural efforts to eat up to this!
the standard of sufficiency) beggar all Repeated sufferings like these broke description. On another occasion a in upon the crust of my constitution, horrid apprehension oppressed me, if I may use the trope; so that when that I should one day-but how exI became of age, and possessed of a press myself in English? I cannot ; good fortune without incumbrance, and I should have been silent perforce, by the demise of my father, and the did not the delicacies of the French second marriage of my mother, (who language come in to my aid—that I by that step forfeited her jointure, and should one day, me crever le ventre ! with it every claim on my regard,) I To guard against this expected calawas in appearance a middle-aged man, mity, I had a pair of stays made-yes, and in mind a septuagenary, of the reader, I was the first of the dandies common sort I mean -I, like old Bur- --the lacing and uniacing of which, ton, had “ neither wife nor children”- before and after meals, was attended my early attachment-my beautiful with torments more horrible than neighbour-lhe prototype-spare me those pelting and pitiless showers, the repetition, reader !-but she, you imagined by Dante for the Gluttons know, she—the LADY was lost to me of his Inferno. forever! She had but one failing, poor I forget precisely how many years girl-nervousness, just then coming have elapsed since the exhibition of first into fashion ; and she took it fat Lambert. It is enough to know, strongly into her head, that if she that I went to see the show.. I saw married me, I should play the part him.-Would that I never had ! Oh, of the wolf with the Little Red Rid- Heavens ! what agonies has that sight ing-hood, and eat her up one night in cost me! The by-standers who obserbed. To avoid this unusual and un- ved me as I entered the room, burst comfortable consummation of our nup- into a loud and involuntary laughtials, she discarded my suit altogether, and no blame to them ; for never was and I lost her forever. To get over there a more ludicrous contrast than the effects of this blow, I resolved to Lambert was to me, and I to Lamlook for consolation in the joys of fo- bert. I am six feet five inches and a reign cookery. I determined to travel, half high in my stockings ; extremely and I did travel, in pursuit of what I like Justice Shallow, only taller, “like never have been able to discover-the to a man made after supper of cheeseart of allaying an uncontrolable ap- parings, for whom the case of a treble petite. As for the love affair, I soon hautboy would make a mansion ;"swallowed my grief.
and I will venture to say that the I shall not enumerate my adven- skeleton of the Irish giant, dressed in tures in distant countries, nor detail my habiliments, and its back turned, my observations on objects foreign to might be taken for my figure by my my purpose. Ne sutor ultra crepidam. nearest acquaintance. You all rememI shall therefore merely say, that ha- ber, readers, what Lambert's figure ving eaten frogs in France, macaroni I do, alas ! at any rate !- The at Naples, ollapodrida in Spain, opium very instant I saw him, the notion in Turkey, camel's-flesh in Egypt, struck me that I had become his sehorse-flesh in Arabia, elephant-flesh cond-self-his ditto-his palpable echo in India, cat's-flesh in China, and his substantial shadow--that the ob
servers laughed at our "double trans- But I must leave thequotation unfinishformation,” for he was become me at ed, and come at last to a full stop; for I the same time—that I was exhibiting fear I am trenching upon the privilege as he then was,-and, finally, that I ,-poaching upon the preserve-of some was dying of excessive fat. The idea 'contemporary hypochondriac. If so, if was like an electric shock, and in one any inay have led the way in giving moment I felt that the double identity to the world, like me, their real unexwas completed—that the metamorpho- aggerated Confessions, I can only comsis of Salamis and her lover was acted plain, with the modern poet who acover again in the persons of myself and cused Shakespeare of forestalling his the fat man—that I, in short, was thoughts, that they, be they who they Lambert, and Lambert me !—Í shot may, have very unhandsomely and out of the exhibition-room--rushed plagiaristically anticipated my own into the street—quitted the confines original lucubrations. And now haof the city-ran up towards Hamp- ving fairly unbosomed my sins, if they stead-hill-tried back again, and made are sins, I trust to receive from a grateoff in the direction of the river, endea- ful public, in whose interest alone have vouring in vain to shake off the horrid I compiled these sheets, the absolution phantasm that had seized upon my which should always follow confesmind. I darted along with lightning- sion. Then, as is usual in these cases, speed, my long legs seemed to fling that having disgorged my over-loaded themselves out spontaneously, as if conscience, I may be allowed to rethey no more belonged to me than turn to my old courses-following in Grimaldi's do to him, yet I fancied this the example of Cæsar, who, acthat I crept with the pace of a tor- cording to Cicero, post cænam vomere toise-that my fat totally prevented volebat, ideoque largius edebat. Should my quicker motion—that I should be any harsh hearer or rigorous reader be crushed to death between the hedges, inclined to constrain the bowels of his the turnpikes, or the carriages that compassion, and still deny me pardon, passed me and thus I ran in the mid- to him I beg to propose a question in dle of the road, vociferating for assist- the words of our immortal Bard, which ance, fighting against the foul fiend, he may answer the next time we meet and followed by a crowd of draggle- at dinner, tailed blackguards, till I reached the
If little faults banks of the river, and saw myself re
Shall not be wink'd at, how shall we stretch flected in the stream. Oh, Heavens ! what a delightful sight was that!
When capital crimes, chew'd, swallow'd,
and digested, " Then like Narcissus
Appear before us!”
We think it our duty, for the sake and character of the affair: nobody, at of our English Readers, to say a very all events, has spoken or written as if few words about some matters which he did ; and observing with what zeal are so perfectly understood by every the Whig press in England is trumone in Scotland, (however certain peo- peting Sir James Mackintosh, and ple may be interested in disguising magnifying his triumph, we must just what they know and feel,) that it would entreat the forgiveness of our friends be worse than idle to address any words for occupying two or three pages
with about them to our readers here-We a very brief and plain statement of allude to the affair of the Rectorship,
the true facts of the case. or, as it has been absurdly called, the We are well aware that the Whig Lord-rectorship of the University of news-writers in London are, for the Glasgow. The subject is really so very most part, Scotchmen-more's the humble, that had we seen a single pa- shame and the pity !-but humble in ragraph of common sense about it, in every possible point of view as these any one newspaper, Scotch or English, creatures are, there is not one even of we should have been quite contented them that does not know quite well how with copying it. But the fact is, that gross is the imposition that he has been nobody appears to have comprehended, lending himself to. They all know what in the smallest degree, the real nature sort of a thing the Rectorship of Glasgow is : but their readers do not; and portance; so it is that they do possess THESE must really not be suffered to the right to make this election-and nourish the exquisitely absurd notion more, that they alone possess it. When that Sir James Mackintosh, Knight, people in England read of an Univerhas been here to receive a compliment sity Election, they naturally conceive resembling, even in genus, any of those that the electors are, as with themhigh marks of distinction for which the selves, the men who have finished their first Noblemen and Statesmen of Eng- education at that University, and taken LAND are accustomed to be competitors some of its higher degrees. They on the banks of the Cam or the Isis. know that at Oxford and Cambridge In fact, there is a kingdom of Congo as nobody has a vote in any such matters well as a kingdom of England—but until he has been at least seven years nothing beyond a sucking baby sup- a member of the University--they poses that the two kings are the same know that there the young gentlemen sort of persons in rank and dignity. actually studying in College at the The Rector of Glasgow stands in just time have no more to do with such the same relation to the High Steward matters than the man in the moon, of Oxford or Cambridge.
and knowing that these are persons The “UNIVERSITY” of Glasgow is entitled, for the most part, to be called composed of two things; first, a school men, how should it ever be imagined where boys from twelve years of age, that in a Scotch University boys are up to sixteen or seventee!, are instructed not only admitted to do that from in the first elements of Classical learn- which these men are excluded-but ing-for they do not know even the that they alone are admitted to do so? alphabet of the Greek tongue when Yet such is the fact. Not only have they are matriculated—and also, in the the persons whose education is at an first elements of Mathematics, Logic, end no concern in this election; even Ethics, &c.; and secondly, of an in- those whose education is going on have stitution in which lectures are deliver nothing to do with it after they have ed on Medicine, Law, and Theology, ceased to belong to the school part of for the benefit of those of rather riper the seminary. The moment one of years. The boys who attend the school these boys becomes a stripling, he beare dressed in gowns of red frieze, the comes of course a student either of sleeves of which they convert, by casts divinity, or of medicine, or of laws ing knots and inserting brickbats, into from that moment—that is to say, from very decent weapons of offence, during the moment he is seventeen or eighthe hours of relaxation which their teen years old at the utmost,-he masters permit them to enjoy. In ceases to wear the red frieze gown, every sense of the word, they are boys and has nothing whatever to say as to many of them, indeed, might be more this most pure and enlightened franproperly styled children-and miser- chise. He is a non togatus : he cannot ablý filthy little urchins the far greater wear the gown: and he consequently part of them are. To dream of com- cannot vote. He has left the school, paring them with the boys of Eton, or and he is no longer entitled to balance Westminster, or Winchester, or Har- and reward the merits of the Sir row, either in regard to external ap- James Mackintoshes, and the Mr pearance, or manners, or what is of Francis Jeffreys of the age. The only higher importance than all, in regard grown men who do possess the privito SCHOLARSHIP, would be about as lege of voting along with about A absurd, as it would be to compare a THOUSAND noisy and illiterate urchins, Spouting Club in Cheapside with the are the Professors--about twenty in British House of Commons. The number. Charter House boys, for example, are In former times, the absurdity of a hundred miles above them in every having such mere boys for electors, species of respectability.
was productive of no bad effects-or But-It is in these boys alone that rather it was productive of no effects the right of electing what they call at all, good, bad, or indifferent. The their Rector Magnificus has been, and lads made it a rule to obey the direc
a is now vested. No doubt they acquired tion of their respective masters--so the right at a period when children that, in effect, the election lay with were not the wearers of the red frieze the Professors of the University.—But gown-but that is a matter of no im- a variety of causes has operated so as
to produce an entire change as to all elected—he was a man of talents, and this. First of all, the Professors them, a member of a noble family, which in -selves were so imprudent as to intro- former times conferred obligations of duce politics--the Rector has a vote in the most important kind on the Unithe deliberation of the Senatus Acude versity of Glasgow.—So far all was micus, and the Whigs must try to well.-But The WHIGs, who everyhave a Whig, the Tories a Tory. Ac- where, but especially in Scotland, are cordingly, for many years a disgrace- the enemies of every thing like repose ful scene was exhibited-one Profes- and order, thought that by a little sor recommending one man, another management they might convert this Professor recommending another paltry election into an instrument for Boys of thirteen or fourteen years of serving some of their own paltry purage attending the prelections of both poses, and they determined to flatter these Professors, deciding which of the boys, thereby win them to themtheir teachers had given the sager ad- selves, and in defiance of the Professors vice-cabals of all sorts-jealousy- of both parties, perpetuate this precious
spleen—the suspicion at least of pro- Rectorship as a sort of possession for fessorial favour or disfavour, following themselves. They for whom nothing, according to the vote given-in a word, either in object or in means, can ever a shameful disruption of the most im- be too low, resolved to set these childportant ties which bind together those ren permanently at variance with their whose duty it is to speak with autho- preceptors, that they might have the rity, and those whose duty it ought to opportunity, for it really amounts to be to listen with silence and respect.— nothing more, of spouting a couple of This degrading spectacle was repeated Whig orations per annum, in the Comfor a succession of years—but it was mon-hall of Glasgow College. And it 'at length terminated by the good sense appears, that by dint of the most desof the Professors. Weary of the dis- picable but unwearied intriguing, they gusting occurrences which were conti- have at length attained this magnifinually taking place, they laid their cent object of their ambition. heads together, and agreed that a Mr Francis Jeffrey was the first perWhig should have it the one election, son elected after the system of dispute and a Tory the next.-" Time about was revived. He is a person of consifair play,” is a good old adage; and, derable talents, and at one time he more especially, as the Rectorship is was a person of considerable reputation really a thing of no sort of importance in the world of letters. He is an emiin any point of view whatever, per- nent barrister and reviewer, and he haps this was just as equitable an ar- had received his education at the Unirangement as any that could have been versity of Glasgow; and, altogether, suggested to that learned and respec- nobody certainly could have had much table body-and, on the whole, the right to say that he was not entitled arrangement “ worked well.”
to receive from such a body of electors Gentlemen of eminence, in some any such mark of attention as they way or other, but all belonging to might have it in their power to bestow. the neighbourhood of Glasgow, were But how did Mr Jeffrey acquit himself elected. Mr Campbell of Blythswood on the occasion? Why, just as a cle(one of the best of tories) was elec- ver man, who happens from excess of ted-he was a member for the city, vanity to mistake himself for a man and possessed of great estates in that of genius, is very apt to do—like a part of that country, and his ancestors ninny. He went to Glasgow not in the had conferred benefits on the Univer- modest style of his predecessors, to sity itself. Mr Kirkman Finlay was make a little speech to the boys, and elected—he was at that time a Whig, eat a great dinner with their masters, or at least was thought to be so—but but he went with a mighty train of he was one of the first and most intel
LEADING Whigs.”—He made a ligent merchants in the world, and the speech, the tendency of which was but majority of the electors were the sons too perceptible in the midst of all his of the merchants and manufacturers of youthful electors. He was attended Glasgow-he was, moreover, the Chief by men all of them politicians, most of Magistrate of their city, and he was them political partizans of a very its representative in Parliament for the humble class. He instituted a prize, time. Lord Archibald Hamilton was produced a medal, and did all he could
to create a sensation in favour of him- Joseph Hume, could, for any other self, a Whig, the Whig, friends who than a party purpose, have been ambiwere by his side, and the great, the tious of such a distinction, would be deathless cause of “ liberal principles too absurd. We can scarcely be so unall over the world !” The flattery, charitable as to imagine that Sir James, that would have been nauseous and even as he is situated in some partisickening to any thing in the shape of culars, could have deemed it possible men, went down, and little Jeffrey, that such a " cock-chicken's feather" the Rector magnificus, came back to should do his cap any service. But, his chums in Auld Reekie, crowing laying all these preliminary matters and clapping his wings, as proud as out of view, we really must be permite ever a bantam-cock that scratched a ted to say, that we are sorry to find barley-corn out of a dunghill. that Whig calumnies, and Whig flat
But the great matter was to make teries, have been able to persuade even assurance doubly sure of a Whig suc- a knot of children, that two such names cessor for this worthy. The whole of could be put in competition in any the Professors, (with just two excep- Christian country. We shall not stoop, tions,) anxious to have done with the however, to waste one word upon this fret and fever which the Liberals had matter, since we are addressing, it is excited, joined in proposing to the to be hoped, grown readers. boys Sir Walter Scott-thinking, of But now comes the grand affair of course, that that great name would the speeches. Mr Jeffrey's claims a unite all suffrages, and that even the little notice in the first place, because Whigs would be ashamed of opposing it was the first delivered; and we have any of their own paltry schemes and no hesitation in saying, that we consiprejudices to the election of Him of der it to have been as precious a diswhom all Scotland has so much reason play of dishonesty and dirtiness---(we to be proud. But no-Sir Walter was mean public political dishonesty, and a Tory, and that was check-mate to public political dirtiness,)-as ever the pacific Professors : for it was suf- disgraced the lips of a man of any ficient to set every Whig engine at thing like talents. It was dishonest work with redoubled zeal and energy, throughout, dishonest in cute et intus, for the noble purpose of bringing in because it said nothing of politics, the -whom ?-Sir James Mackintosh !!! only thing that was in the speaker's And accordingly, in due season, west- mind. Is there that sucking pig in ward once again moved our illustrious Brentford that can be persuaded that Aristarchus, and he and his two hum- any man, laying politics entirely out ble adherents and worshippers in the of view, would ever dream of mentionSenatus, and a majority of the child- ing the name of Sir James Mackintosh ren, did elect that “ chevalier sans in the same breath with that of Sir peur et sans reproche.”
Walter Scott, to a body of British Now, we have, imprimis, to observe, youth-above all, of Scottish youththat neither Sir Walter Scott nor Sir and this, too, within the walls of a James Mackintosh had any right, or building reared and maintained solely title of any sort, to be Rector of the Uni- for the promotion of LITERATURE ? versity of Glasgow. Neither of them be- Is there that “thrice-sodden ass," who longed, in any sense, to that Univer- believes that Francis Jeffrey in his sity-neither of them had been edu- heart conceives Sir James Mackintosh's cated there, nor even lived in its vici- pamphlets, either in or out of the nity; and there was no propriety what• Edinburgh Review, to be equal in meever in introducing the novelty of a rit with the works of the greatest and Rector that had no sort of connexion most popular author of this most rich with the institution; and, according- and inventive age of English literaly, we have no doubt neither of them ture? What is it that Mr Francis would ever have dreamt of such a wished to convey, (for the question is thing. Sir Walter, it is now well not as to what he really thought) when known, never heard of the affair at all he dared to speak of Sir James Mackuntil the election was over; and we intosh as being superior to Sir Walter are willing to believe that the case Scott“ in what is properly called may have been—in so far--the same learning ?” What does the doctissimus with Sir James Mackintosh. To sup- Francisculus mean by learning & pose that any Scotchman, at all above Did he ever read IVANHOE? Did he